ghost 8/25/2013

I wandered alone

in the dusk

moments

bleeding into days

never feeling solid

in this world

letting emotions

all fade away

a wanderer

with no purpose

no element of life

to animate

I thought I’d come to life

to walk and see the sights

to smell the cherry trees in bloom

to sit here by your side

but the moment overwhelms me

again

I’m choking back tears

I know that time is fleeting

and soon I’ll cease to care

cease to breathe

cease to feel your warmth

so beautiful it hurts

and I retreat

back into the cold

so that I don’t experience

the pain

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Optimism

the ability to see

the unity

of all of the elements

within our lives

and move

physically and spiritually

forward

transmutation

a cycle perpetuating itself

throughout our existence

live in the moment

for in each action

each word

we create our world


Love (2010)

Everything burned down to ashes

the detritus of the chaos

carried me

in the eddie’s of turmoil’s wake

Disintegrated

scattered

trembling

collecting all the pieces of my past

that I could snatch from the wind

I faced my future

my direction obscured

falling down

I had to face my fears

to love is to fear

and love is the only thing

I’ve ever feared

It takes my breath away

I’m still choking

on the ashes

that surround me

sometimes

I can’t see through my debris

something in the distance

keeps calling me

I keep moving

facing my fears

to love is to fear

and love

is the only thing

I’ve ever feared


fail (2008)

asleep in the arms of defeat again

I can no longer rest here

I can’t stand to pretend

I thought I’d discovered certainty

so sure of who I’d become

I was so wrong in the end

but I can be sure

that wishes and dreams

as hard as it seems

are illusory

fleeting

they’ll drown you

Pulled under by circumstances

leave me alone

I’ll take my chances

alone in this world

in turmoil I’m burning

unrestrained

I’m cursing your name

I cut the ties

binding me to your lies

burned those bridges

down to ashes

released on the wind

and I won’t have to see you

I won’t have to feel you

I can make my own way

if I’m destined to fail

at least I’ll know

I pulled myself down


Anti-Motion (12/19/2009)

bleak poets writhe

in apocalyptic frenzies

amidst the decay

we seek oblivion

mutual masochism

bereft our senses

numbed

by the coming onslaught

of tomorrow

concealed

in circumspect realities

perfecting

the art

of disappearing

into the grey skies

we speak

and are silenced

losing hope

free of emotion

continuing forward

despite the crushing dread

of mediocrity

spirits suppressed

instead of broken

the riddles

in which we cloak ourselves

apparent

bleeding into

a conundrum

for another day

dreams

overpower

the illogical truths

that veil existence

awakened

alive

we transcend the depths of fear

and are thus unbound


It’s Been Awhile

It’s been way too long since I posted here. My life has been a whirlwind. First for such positive beautiful things. I took the time to immerse myself in my new lifestyle. A lot of things have changed. And I have been writing the whole time, it just hasn’t made it on here yet. But it will, slowly but surely over the next few weeks. I do a lot in a day, work, kids, thinking and organizing. But I miss this little space. Since I started here, many months ago, my confidence in my writing, and my body of work has increased exponentially from what it was. I feel like I am more able to express than I used to be. I’m liking the results, and I do believe that I will continue to throw my randomness around here. I don’t really get to do it anywhere else and it’s gotta go somewhere other than my head and my notebook. It’s probably going to be more poetry again for awhile, but after I’m caught up with that, I think I’m going to get back to essays and article writing more than I have for the past few years. I love to write essays and articles, and I don’t think it’s a waste of time because it helps me to reframe my thinking, and refresh my stance via other’s opinions. I miss the discourse of essay writing. I’ve decided that there are a lot of things in my life that get short changed. Writing is one of the few things I keep coming back to, just because I love it. I can do it anytime and anywhere, whenever the need and the mood strikes. I’m ready to challenge myself, try all the genres I haven’t tried yet. See what sticks.


Staring Into the Fire

I am set ablaze

by what I though was beautiful

enigmatic mysteries

draw me in too far

to ever return

I enter an abyss

of emptiness and solitude

my own desire betrays me

I know that

things can’t stay this way

forever

My dreams can paralyze me

disguising the reality

and all the bitter things

and all the things

I thought I knew

I creep closer to the warmth

the flicker in your eyes

staring into to the flame again

drawn back into the lies

You could lead me on an endless chase

make me pay for my mistakes

I”ll be put back in my place

staring into the fire

staring into the fire

staring into the fire

so you can burn me one last time

I have been warned

and I have heard it said

that playing with fire

always burns

I simply can’t

resist the lure

My desire betrays me

and I know

my dreams

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A quick summary on my religious beliefs. . . .

I’m tired of clarifying my religious views over and over again for people, so I’m going to summarize this, then, in discussion, I can refer people to this rather than reiterating the same thing constantly.

 

1.)    I Do not hate Christians, or people of any religious affiliation. I do, however, despise what certain factions of Christianity have become. I think the bigoted, ignorant, hate –filled propaganda that is perpetuated by the media, the tea party, and the extreme conservative Republican factions of this cult have become harmful to society, in that they perpetuate intolerance and ignorance, without having anything to do with actual scriptures or practices within the cult they so wholeheartedly devote themselves to, when it supports political agendas and misogyny.

2.)    I do not follow any religion myself. I respect the mythology of all religions, paganism, Norse and Celtic Mythology, Buddhism, and Hinduism are my favorites to study.  That being said, although the mythologies interest me, I find it far more interesting to see how the application of these belief systems has been perpetuated within applicable societies.

3.)    I am an Atheist. I celebrate holidays at my family’s behest so that my children feel included in school activities with their peers, and so that I can interact with the rest of my family.

4.)    I am also a Nihilist. I do not see this as a negative, but rather an attitude of self-empowerment. If nothing has meaning except that which we ascribe to certain situations/attitudes, then the only thing that matters is the meaning with which we embue certain attitudes/actions, and can rationally and logically come to moralistic conclusions that are positive for ourselves and the people around us.

5.)    I may post something about my beliefs on Facebook from time to time. It’s not really an invitation to discussion. I may find certain points of view especially eloquent or amusing. My Christian friends have no problem posting biblical quotes or thank you’s to their particular god/gods on their pages. They occasionally show up on my news feed. I have no problem with their posts, their pages are their s to do with as they wish, and I do not post on their page lambasting them because their beliefs are different. If I don’t agree with a post or I feel negatively about it, I simply ignore that post. If other people do not share the same self-restraint, then don’t complain when you are the one posting negative thoughts about my beliefs and I challenge your argument.

6.)    I really don’t believe in anything spriritually. I am totally ok with this, and I do not feel that anything is missing. I don’t encourage my children to pursue such things, but I don’t discourage them from doing so either, and I would be accepting of whatever personal choices they make, because above all, religion and spirituality are personal choices.

7.)    Because I feel that religious/spiritual choices are very personal, I become deeply offended when religious groups press their beliefs into legal and political agendas. People feel very passionate about such personal beliefs, and I believe that it detracts from the rationality and impartiality that should be the focus of political systems as laws and precedents are formed that affect everybody. Politics and religion were viewed as separate, nonconvergent  systems until the 1940s-1950s. I do seem to recall another country in the 1940s that combined religion and politics, and this combination did not end up turning out well at all. . . As well as all of the more modern incidences that could be cited. . .

Thank you for hanging with this, I hope it provided answers as to why my beliefs are what they are, and I apologize if my flippant attitudes about these things offend people, but I can’t help but find adults who believe in fairy tales to be a little ridiculous. . . 


Drifting

Tell me if it
will always
hurt
this way

I’ve become ungrounded
blending into
the atmosphere
all my feelings
floating loosely
choices are unclear

I know I”m going up
instead of down
but I can’t feel
another thing
I think
I”m still losing
I missed something
important
along the way
been driven down so far
I don’t know
how to find my way
to where I want to be

everything just
seems so far away
I wish I hadn’t stayed
so long
just drifting
because I’m still
shifting

and I don’t know
where to go from here


hollow

 

I’m not good enough
for anyone
but you
and even though I used to
I don’t feel the pain anymore
its just hollow
where the hurt
used to be
I stuck the knife
in my back
myself
twisted
though it seems
the pain was really me
pushing through
learning how to feel
but I don’t want to
and I know I won’t feel
anything again
but this regret
pushing me
into another day
just as meaningless
and empty
as all the hours
that passed before
there is nothing left of me
that matters now
I’ve tried to find a way
to be happy
without anyone else
I can’t give up desire
its all that I have left
of who I once was

I could let you in
but that means you
would win

I can’t let that happen

I’m just becoming
whole again

I can pretend
you were only
a night
but there’s still
a yearning
if I let myself
believe
you could have
loved me
I would die
a little more inside

I’d rather have a hollow place
than deal with the pain
and all the thoughts
that just won’t stop
after all this time

I’d rather be empty
than grasping at air
I’d rather let go
than try and fail

again